Struggles

I'm sure I've said this before on this blog, and I'm sure I'll say it again some time. This is a public venue. What I choose to publish here is visible to the world, and I'm aware of that. Because of that, the life that is represented on this blog isn't a full representation of who I am. And anyone reading this is probably aware of that. I don't think anyone really expects me to bare my soul on here every day.

With that said, I do a lot of writing that I never publish on the internet, or submit to a teacher. When I'm worried, or sad, or just having a bad day, I write about it. I'm a pretty wordy person. That's what I do. Sometimes, I go back and read some of the things I've written and think, "Wow, somewhere in here, there's a great blog post." Usually, that blog post is buried under personal stories and names, and other details that aren't appropriate for such a public space. But in there somewhere is an idea that is worth writing about, and worth expressing to the world.

And that brings me to what I want to talk about today. I haven't been doing much writing on paper, or on a keyboard lately, but I've been writing in my head (which I do sometimes when I can't actually write), and I have some ideas that keep coming up.

It all boils down to a collection of words for me. Right now, those words that sum up what I'm feeling are "loss," "uncertainty," "hope," "fear," and "choices." Here are a collection of my thoughts about those words. It's a tad incoherent, but it gives some insight into my psyche.

Loss. Why loss? Lately, I've gone through some experiences that make me feel like I'm losing some things from my life. A person who is instrumental in my life has moved away, and that's been hard. Being the word oriented person I am, I wrote her a letter that I gave her before she left. It started out as a quick note to attach to some chocolates, but it ended up being over a page and a half long. Why did I write that? Because it was important to me that she knew how much I appreciated her, and how influential she had been in my life. Because I needed the closer that writing it provided.

Uncertainty. I am constantly uncertain about how people see me. I think that I am relatively bad at portraying emotions, and I often worry that others don't really see how I feel. I worry that the people I love don't really see that I care about them. The uncertainty about where I stand is hard. That's another reason that I wrote that letter. I wanted to make sure she knew that she is important to me, and is a person I care a lot. I can't necessarily say those things easily, but I can write them.

Hope. Uncertainty takes other forms too. I'm also uncertain about much of my future. I just don't know what's going to happen. But I do have hope. That hope is hard to find some days, but it's there. I know that there are a lot of good things that can happen. Hope is also something I need more of. I need to be more hopeful, because it's really true that there are lots of good things that are yet to be discovered. I have moments when a friend texts me a random thought which clearly says that they have been thinking about me. That gives me hope that I'm not terrible at relationships.

Fear. Fear is the flipside of hope. I hope good things will happen, but I fear that they won't. When I don't know if people realize I care about them, will they still stick with me? Where will I be living in a year? Will I be happy? What if I can't fix all the problems I have? What if I can't keep up with all my classes? Uncertainty leads to fear.

Choices. In the end, there is always a choice. People have been telling me that for years, and I've spent plenty of time arguing against it. "Yeah, sure, I can choose not to be so worked up about this, but did you hear what he said?!" "Okay, whatever, so I can choose not to spend time thinking about this, but what will happen if I don't figure out what to do??" Those are still hard for me. I'm not good at choosing happiness. I'm not good at letting go of things.

But in the end, choice is often the difference between fear and hope. I may still be fearful, but by choosing to wallow in the fear, it's possible to close doors that lead to a more hopeful outcome. I want to be ready to choose hope when it comes knocking.  I don't want uncertainty to force me to choose fear because it's familiar.  Sometimes loss happens either way, and that's the way life is.

Right now, loss is at the top of my mind. And I'm choosing to be sad, because I need to be. Honestly, I'm not very good at letting myself be sad, but I'm choosing to allow it to happen. But in the long run, I'm trying to convert uncertainty to hope, while still recognizing that fear has it's place.